Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
