WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
