I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
i need some magic done to my vagina
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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