If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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