I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
