yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
