I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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