Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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