how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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