If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
