All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I think I sprained my soul last night
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize
