I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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