I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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