Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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