I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
