My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
