my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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