i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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