i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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