I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
