are you still at the devil's house?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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