Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
