Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
