What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
