Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
i've created a new STD.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Bring me that man meat
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
