I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just found puke in my bra..
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
