Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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