Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
