The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
