shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
