I am midnight drunk by noon
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
