Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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