I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
