No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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