she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
