The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
