Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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