if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
