that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
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there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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