that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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