so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
