Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
