I'm lost and stupid without you.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I know her cup size but not her name....
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
