Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
