and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
