in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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