Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Found your dick twin last night
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
