You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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