Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
