you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
