Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I deserve this hangover.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
