Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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