does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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