I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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