I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
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I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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