Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
