did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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