totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
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i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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